by Paul
Children’s discovery of the world is reflective of how they experience their daddy.
1) Being Present
It all starts in the presence of our daddy. My goal is to to BE INTENTIONALLY PRESENT and participate wholeheartedly in what THEY WANT to do. I discovered my girls health depends more on the condition of their hearts and the experiences woven into their lives than my skill as a father. My argument mitigation and lesson facilitation skills are sloppy. My ability to match appropriate corrections to inappropriate choices can feel tedious. So, I choose to take a posture of belief. I believe in their capacity to make great choices. I choose to stay patiently present with my girls while they process their choices.
2) Cleaning Up My Messes
And when I make a mess, I can CLEAN IT UP. Cleaning up my messes is a principle thing for me. It’s easier to know a mess has been made when I’m present because my emotional literacy grows and I can read shifts in my children’s behavioral language. That being said, I regularly just ask, “Is there anyone or anything you need to forgive?” Fathers, we are the heroes! I may press deeper. “My Love, is there anything I did today that hurt your heart?” I’ll wait for their answer. It’s ok if their answer triggers my heart to defend itself. But, I WON’T REACT!! This is the time to heal their hearts, not protect mine. I am a big daddy. I am a FATHER LEADER. There is nothing they can say or do that is too big for me to handle. There is nothing they can say or do that is big enough to reduce my love for them. My love for them only grows more and more.
Next, begins the healing of their heart and cleaning up of the mess. I specifically repeat back exactly what they say is hurting in their heart because what they say is the most accurate reflection of the hurt that is in their heart. Again, what THEY say is the most accurate reflection of the hurt that is in their heart. Sometimes I help them search for the words to match their feelings. It may sound something like this, “Love, will you forgive me for using a tone with mommy that made you feel unsafe.” I had to probe to get the word “unsafe”. I discovered the same handful of words will usually be used. For example, unsafe, scared, hurt etc… Equally important is replacing the void where the hurt was with your love. I might say something like this, “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH AND IT IS SO IMPORTANT TO ME FOR YOU TO FEEL SAFE.”
Lies will attach to the hurt in our hearts. Lies are warfare on our identity and on our children’s identity. Get rid of the lies by renouncing them and replacing them with truth. Truth is so valuable that the enemy of identity will guard against our discovery of truth with a bodyguard of lies.
“In warfare TRUTH is the most VALUABLE thing in all the world. It is so valuable that often times it is protected by a bodyguard of lies.” ~Winston Churchill
How do I know the mess is cleaned up? Glad you asked. Try this, “Is your heart all the way better or mostly better but a little something still there?” Keep cleaning, if they want to. Never force them to forgive. Remember, your a Father Leader and that means you are patiently present and presently patient with their process.
Here is what happened when a friend of mine tried this. It was in a moment of frustration in which he raised his voice over his daughter. He felt guilty and wanted to protect the strong connection he has with his daughter, so he asked her to forgive him for raising his voice. Here is what she said,
“ahh Daddy, I forgave you the moment those words came out of your mouth.”
Our children’s hearts are born to heal and bond to ours. Seal their hearts with your love!
“If you can uphold your children’s wholeness, which means you will have to heal your brokenness you will liberate your children.” ~Dr. Shefali Tsabary
To all the FATHER LEADERS reading this. YOU are the worlds most powerful heroes. If any of this makes sense, take it and BE THE FATHER LEADER you already are.
Lots of Love….Paul